Dealing With Diotrephes Dilemma

(A Modern-Day “Narcissist”)

3 John

I dislike the word narcissist. It’s a modern label that's often wielded like a weapon and more like a grenade than a diagnosis. The Bible gives us older, sharper, holier words that cut cleaner and heal better. A strong biblical substitute is selfism, the habit of making oneself the center. Scripture calls it things like:

• Pride (Proverbs 16:18)

• Vain glory (Philippians 2:3)

• Lovers of their own selves (2 Timothy 3:2)

• Seeking the praise of men (John 12:43)

• Self-willed (Titus 1:7)

• Diotrephes spirit - “loveth to have the preeminence” (3 John 9)

  
  

So let’s call it what it is in church life: The Diotrephes Dilemma, when someone uses spiritual language, ministry involvement, or biblical knowledge to keep themselves at the center while appearing godly.

“Having a form of godliness, but denying the power thereof.” - 2 Timothy 3:5

There are some church problems you can fix with prayer, patience, and time. And then there are the Diotrephes problems, the kind that don’t just happen in a church, they happen to a church.

John writes one of the shortest letters in the New Testament, but he paints one of the clearest portraits of a destructive personality you will ever see. Not a pagan on the outside. Not a false teacher with obvious heresy. This one is more dangerous.

A man inside the work.

A man who knows the language.

A man who looks spiritual.

A man who loves ministry because ministry can be used as a mirror.

“Diotrephes, who loveth to have the preeminence among them…” - 3 John 9

And that one phrase gives us the whole issue: preeminence. Diotrephes didn’t just want to belong; he wanted to be big. He didn’t just want to help; he wanted to hover. He didn’t just want a voice; he wanted the volume knob.

Recognizing this spirit is only the beginning. We must also learn how to respond biblically, shepherd wisely, protect the flock, and keep our own hearts from catching the same disease. The following eight principles help us do that.

1. Diotrephes Is Not Merely Difficult; He Is Directional.

Every church has quirky people, wounded people, emotional people, awkward people. You don’t label those people and throw them away. You shepherd them. But Diotrephes isn’t just “hard.” He’s heading somewhere, and he’s taking others with him.

John does not describe Diotrephes as confused.

He describes him as controlling.

He is not merely sensitive.

He is strategic.

He is not simply opinionated.

He is oppositional.

Notice what John says, Diotrephes “receiveth us not” (v. 9). That means he wasn’t just resisting John’s personality; he was resisting authority and accountability. He could not stand the idea of someone higher than him, older than him, or over him.

That’s one of the earliest warning signs in leadership. When someone constantly pushes against authority, it’s usually because they want to become the authority.

2. The Diotrephes Spirit Always Moves from “I Disagree” to “I Discredit.”

John says Diotrephes was “prating against us with malicious words” (v. 10). That word picture is vivid, like bubbling, chattering, running his mouth, spreading a narrative.

Here’s what happens in real life:

A Diotrephes-type person cannot just have a concern.

They have to have a campaign.

They cannot just ask a question.

They have to plant suspicion.

They cannot just disagree with leadership.

They have to undermine leadership.

In other words, they don’t fight the issue; they fight the trust. If they can’t win the room by humility, they’ll try to win it by hinting. If they can’t gain influence by service, they’ll gain it by storytelling.

And that’s why these situations feel so exhausting. You’re not just managing a problem, you’re managing a narrative war.

3. Diotrephes Does Not Only Want the Spotlight, He Wants the Gate.

John says he “neither doth he himself receive the brethren, and forbiddeth them that would, and casteth them out of the church” (v. 10). Read that slowly. This is not just pride. This is power.

Diotrephes becomes the kind of person who decides who is welcomed and who is withheld, who is embraced and who is excluded, who is “safe” and who is “suspect.” And that’s when the church stops feeling like a family and starts feeling like a controlled environment.

Here’s the heartbreak.

The sheep start living on eggshells.

The faithful servants back away.

The peacemakers get tired.

The new believers get confused.

And the pastor starts spending energy managing one person rather than leading many.

A Diotrephes can turn a church into a room where everyone is watching one personality instead of worshiping one Savior.

4. A Leader Cannot Shepherd Well If He Is Always Afraid of One Person.

This is where pastors often stumble, not because they’re weak, but because they’re tired. You want peace. You want unity. You want things to calm down. But here’s a hard truth. Appeasing a Diotrephes never produces peace. It produces a brief pause while they reload.

You don’t win these moments by becoming louder. You win them by becoming clearer.

John didn’t write, “Try to make Diotrephes feel heard.” John wrote, “Wherefore, if I come, I will remember his deeds…” (v. 10). That is not petty. That is pastoral.

It means, “This will be addressed.” “This will be named.” “This will not be allowed to keep happening.”

In shepherding, courage is not cruelty. Courage is love with a backbone.

5. The Bible’s Approach Is Always Spiritual and Always Structured.

Pastors sometimes overreact in one of two directions. We get so “spiritual” that we refuse to get practical. Or we get so “practical” we forget to stay spiritual.

Biblical leadership does both. You pray, and you proceed.

You don’t handle a Diotrephes by gossiping back, sniping from the pulpit, or launching a counter-campaign. You handle it with process. That means direct conversations. Specific concerns. Clear expectations. Honest accountability. And if needed, measured boundaries.

Because the church isn’t a playground where the loudest personality wins. It’s the Lord’s flock, and leadership is a stewardship.

6. Make Room for Repentance, but Do Not Make Room for Repeated Destruction.

This is where your pastoral heart gets tested.

You want people restored. You want healing. You want to believe the best. And you should, as long as the person is moving toward repentance.

But when someone repeatedly harms others, repeatedly divides, repeatedly refuses correction, and repeatedly escalates, your responsibility shifts from rescuing one to protecting many. That’s not cold. That’s biblical.

There’s a time to be patient, and there’s a time to be protective. There’s a time to counsel, and there’s a time to contain.

A wise pastor learns the difference between a sheep who is struggling, and a person who is stirring.

7. The Safest Church Culture Is One Where the “Preeminence” Belongs to Jesus.

The deepest issue in 3 John isn’t Diotrephes’ personality. It’s his worship problem. He loved the place that only Christ deserves.

And that’s why the ultimate antidote is not a new policy, but a renewed Christ-centeredness.

When Jesus is magnified, self is crucified.

When Christ is exalted, pride is exposed.

When the cross is preached, preeminence loses its charm.

A Diotrephes spirit cannot thrive in a church where leaders and people are genuinely captivated by the humility of Jesus.

8. The Most Dangerous Thing About the Diotrephes Spirit Is That Leaders Can Catch It Too!

Let me say it plainly. Pastors and spiritual leaders can become what they fight.

You deal with controlling people long enough, and you can start controlling.

You confront pride long enough, and you can start posturing.

You fight for leadership long enough, and you can start loving preeminence too.

So before you confront Diotrephes, you check your own heart.

Do I want Jesus to be honored, or do I want me to be right?

Do I want unity, or do I want to win?

Do I want to shepherd or do I want to be preeminent?

That kind of self-examination keeps your soul clean while your hands do hard work.

A Pastoral Way Forward

So what do you do when you have a Diotrephes in your orbit? You lead. Quietly. Clearly. Biblically.

You do not panic.

You do not posture.

You do not turn Sunday into a battleground.

You do not let fear make decisions for you.

But you also do not pretend that nothing is happening.

You address what’s real.

You keep it specific.

You keep it biblical.

You keep it in order.

You protect the sheep.

You give room for repentance.

And you remember that Jesus Christ loves His church more than you do, and He does not call you to be a people-pleaser; He calls you to be a shepherd. 

“Beloved, follow not that which is evil, but that which is good.” - 3 John 11

That’s John’s final word: don’t get mesmerized by the drama. Don’t be impressed by the personality. Don’t be pulled into the power struggle. Just keep following what is good and keep leading others to do the same.